The Death of Van Helsing
by cervasakitty
Summary: Well...see for yourself.... but certainly not if you liked the movie....


A/N: I really enjoyed Van Helsing, mostly because it was incredibly stupid and it COULD have been a good movie, but it definitely was not. I've decided to kill characters I don't like from movies that suck/could have been good/I like/ etc. – so here's the first. Sorry for anyone who likes Hugh. Wolverine = cool. Van Helsing = tres uncool.  
  
"Shh!"  
  
Dripping silence slithered through the empty tunnel. Two tall figures, both strong and prepared men, stood at the entrance.  
  
"What do you propose we do, Mr. Van Helsing?" Christoff whispered to his companion shortly. The tunnel was dark. The only bits of light were those brilliant white shining streaks which had escaped the dark clouds smothering the moon.  
  
"Well, I propose I continue on in this tunnel, and you stay here..." he paused, looking to Christoff. His face was dark beneath his tipped hat, "...and rot".  
  
The sword was thrown and withdrawn so quickly that perhaps even Christoff would not have noticed if he hadn't been stabbed directly beneath his heart. His mouth widened to express unsaid words, but he could only gasp as Gabriel Van Helsing left him and continued into the cave.  
  
"Bloody traitors everywhere" he muttered as his boots clomped through the moist stone beneath him. He was far into the cave, and it was darker than he would have preferred.  
  
"Get the fuck out".  
  
Gabriel stopped short. He could not see, but he could most certainly feel the presence of another. Whatever it may be was close, and not in such a good mood it seemed. "Now what kind of a way is that to greet a friendly stranger?" he quipped, and he felt a cold bit of steel at the back of his neck.  
  
"Strangers are not friendly, sir". It was most certainly the voice of a woman. The whispers echoed in the cave's walls. He stopped still.  
  
"May I ask what a lady like yourself is doing in a cave?".  
  
The voice laughed. "What business is it of yours, Mr. Van Helsing?" she murmured in a melancholy tone, and he could feel the blade circling his neck gently.  
  
He tried to make out the figure in the darkness. "Well, my dear" he squinted, wiggling his fingers a bit, "seeing as you've got a sword at my throat, I expect some kind of explanation, at least to that". The blade recoiled.  
  
"Jesus fucking Christ, man, you're goddamn mad!" she exhaled exasperatedly. "It's a bloody shame no one has killed you yet!". She lit a match, and the tiny bit of flame expanded in the darkness, reflecting off the cave walls warmly. Gabriel turned to the woman.  
  
She was his height, but somehow very small; almost delicate. Her hair and eyes were dark, and her skin very pale. Her lips were formed into a frown of distaste.  
  
"Hi" she said shortly, looking thoroughly annoyed.  
  
"Hello..." he began to say, but she threw out her gloved hand.  
  
"Yeah yeah yeah, just shut it, will you? Every word that comes out of your filthy mouth is useless and pathetic". His eyes widened as she scowled and turned away from him.  
  
He cleared his throat in an aggravated manner. "Who exactly are you to say such things? Do you even know me?" he demanded as she returned her sword to it's sheath at her waist. She wore a dark corset and pants; no shirt, and he could see her fair cleavage within the jacket she was wearing.  
  
"Oi! My face is up here!" she waved her hand angrily as his head snapped up. "And I..." she rolled her eyes as she paced, "am Neialle Lin".  
  
Gabriel nodded his head quickly. "Okay, very nice name. Now exactly what are you doing in this cave and why the hell did you summon me?". His eyebrows furrowed in irritation as she turned to face him.  
  
She stopped, staring into his eyes with a bit of insolence. "Oh, Mr. Van Helsing..." she whispered, walking towards him ever so slowly. "It is you who have summoned me..." he watched her in confusion and fascination as she leaned towards him, snaking her arm around his shoulder.  
  
"Shh..." she breathed into his ear, "It's called karma..." her left arm retreated from his body as she pressed him closer to her. She slowly grabbed her sword and lifted it from it's sheath as she looked into his dark eyes. He was definitely looking optimistic for the events of the night.  
  
She rammed the sword through his stomach.  
  
"You get what you have coming".  
  
She twisted the blade and wrenched it out, watching him fall to the ground in gasping breaths.  
  
"Why?" he breathed, clutching his torso in pain.  
  
She cocked her head. "Because you are a cocky bastard with a horrible script, ugly shoes, and bad taste in girls. I would have just killed Anna, but since you did that yourself, I decided to take the satisfaction in murdering you, you annoying piece of shit. Your movie had such potential, and it FAILED! When I said "get the fuck out", I was giving you one last chance, but stupid as you are, you continued, because you think you're goddamn invincible. Johnny Depp would have been so much better in your role! Die, you stupid Gabriel Van Helsing; when in the book you were ABRAHAM Van Helsing... jesus Christ who does a girl have to fuck to get a little sensibility around here?".  
  
Van Helsing stared at her, terrified.  
  
"And FURTHERMORE, what is with you and killing everyone that gets in your path? It's Van Helsing, not Kill Bill; what are you getting revenge for, eh? Yeh just doin' it for the sport?! You don't go and kill someone just because you suspect them to be a traitor! You're retarded!".  
  
She took a breath as he tried to scream.  
  
"Oh no, I'm not finished yet! Why didn't you just fuck Anna when you had the chance? Or at least make out with her? It's all this boring banter and then she ends up in heaven all happy and shit, ugh, GAG ME WITH A CRAYOLA MARKER. I'm sure you think we all enjoyed seeing you in a loin cloth, because you think you are quite the sexy beast... but nope! Wrong again!"  
  
Breather.  
  
"Okay, so now, just die!" 


End file.
